Cats, Cats, Cats

The secret life of cats. They have agreed to an interview.

"Hello my name is Agatha and I am writing this story using my very own hand. Well its like mine it belongs to my human. I'm his pet?! What?! HSSSS!!!! GROWL!!!! Oh a string?" Pawing at the string Agatha continues, "so as I was saying my story is about the superior life of the feline race..."  (Still pawing at the string) "You know being a cat is far more tedious than you might guess." Looking up Agatha is now silent. "We felines are highly beautiful, so much so that we must sleep a lot. If not our eyes would be too much for you gullible humans." Closing her eyes Agatha yawns "go away I'm tired!"

"Purrrrrr" Chewing on grass. "Hi I'm Cassiopeia, Cassy for short, I love grass. Well the tips. I love Lettuce too. I'm not a veggie though. You know I love tuna and chicken. Beef not so much. But my daddy gives me everything I want. He is so nice. The other cats are so mean. Well Brownie is nice. He's my boyfriend. He's young and that chiseled puma look gets my fur in a...." Cassiopeia looks around, "gotta run Troubles that piece of shit is coming."  

"Hsssss, Grrrrrrrr!!!" Cassiopeia jumps up knocking down a vase, "OK I don't have time for the interview daddy's Mom is going to be soooooo upset. Bye. If anyone asks Troubles did it."

"Hello there!" PRRRRRRRRR "Oh don't mind me. I just love meeting new people." PRRRRR

Andromeda begins rubbing up against your leg. "Anyways I love other animals, not wolverines, I once killed one you know." PRRRRR Andromeda runs around the house wildly and comes back only to start madly clawing at your jeans. It hurts a lot. PRRRRRRR. "So this is how it happened. We were home alone for like a week. Some stupid neighbor left left the door open. She is Mommy's pet human. The pet human was feeding us our food. So this ugly wolverine walks in. Its nice and sunny outside. Cassy my sister freaks out. I am protecting my sister Cassy when the fight spills outside, I claw into an eye.....blood all over my coat and everything. Well the wolverine runs I go all tiger on his ass. I'm like a rabid dog out there. I climb a tree and jump on him again. I bite his nose hehehe that was mean I know but a girl needs to catfight once in a while. So I see he is bleeding and other animals are coming. I climb a tree and stay there until Mommy returns from wherever she went the next day. I was so mad at the wolverine I had to get shots and everything! " PRRRRRRRR

"Follow me quick, quick quick!"

A brownish cat runs across the room and jumping over the couch lands in the kitchen. She then sits and starts cleaning herself only to chase her tail for five minutes.

"OK where were we?"

The cat sits there quietly for a moment  and shows of her six front digits with an opposable thumb.  "I'm Marble Cake, Marbs for short. I'm special. I have an extra, and very useful claw." She shows it off. "I can hold things. Bye"  She runs around your legs and then climbs on your green sweater. "See you are a tree and I'm on top."  Marble Cake sees a ball on the ground and proceeds to "hunt" the ball. "Here mousy, here mousy. You can't stay still forever....." Rolling your eyes you see Brown Sugar an elegant Black Tuxedo Cat moving towards you. Marbs looks up and says "Brownie! Bro what's up?"

He rolls his eyes and goes the other way.

Marbs says, "don't worry about him he's just upset because Cassy is ignoring him."

"Hello my name is Brown Sugar, Brownie for short." Looming over him is Cassy intent on hearing his every word. 

  "Brownie look at me!" Yells Cassy.

  "I see you Cassy." Brownie begins to purr. PURRRRRRR  "So Cassy is my girl. I like her. Don't chase her. Finished."  Looking around for other cats he says, "You know cats have style right? I for example only wear a tuxedo." Brownie walks around you as he talks, checking out the soroundings and guarding Cassy.

"Browny is guarding me human!" yells Cassiopeia all the while Purring. PRRRRRRRRRR

"Brown Sugar to you human, wait you have tuna? Brownie then!" Taking the now open can of Tuna Brown Sugar says, "My tuna! Thank you for opening it."

Cassiopeia jumps down and proceeds to eat the tuna. Purring ensues. PRRRRRRRRR

"Bye human," yells Brownie, "thanks for all the fish."

The two cats look at each other and beging to rub up against each other in mutual admiration.As they do this you notice a little fat black cat across the way glaring in barely concealed rage pretending to be sleeping

"Hey troubles look some guy is here!" 

A little black cat is speaking to a half asleep fat black cat. "I'm sleeping bro go away."

"So I'm Pickles. Call me Pickle-itos cause I love Doritos.!"  Astonishingly Pickles seems to smile. Rubbing against your jeans he then heads back to his brother to go to take a nap. "So you got Doritos sir?" He calls out after yawning. He is looking at your bag of Doritos very intensely. "So wanna split those Doritos? I'll share them with you?" He falls asleep as you open the bag. Your Doritos fall and Brownie comes to get his share.

"Pickles is great but he likes to cat nap with his brother way too much." mutters Brownie as he shakes his head disaprovingly at Troubles.

"So I'm Troubles.Why do I chase Cassy?!" He stares at you as you ask the question. "Cassy is my girl she just doesn't know it." This fat black cat is getting on your nerves quickly. "Don't get me wrong I only seem to be a jerk. I love Cassy but Brownie and her are inseparable. Leave me alone. I'm going to sleep. "Bye." Troubles plops to sleep on your laptop. 

"Pickles!" you call out.  No answer. Troubles  seemingly sleeping on your laptop mutters to you "Call him  Pickle-itos and he'll come. That's his 'code name', he's a bit paranoid."

You mutter "Pickle-itos where have I heard that before?" and a thin black cat comes by shyly. Eyeing you suspiciously Pickles looks at troubles with murder in his eyes. 

"Troubles I told you NEVER to tell ANYONE my code name!  

You smile at the thin kitten-like cat and say "I gave you Doritos earlier." Pickles looks at you and purrs. PURRRRRRRRRR. He moves slowly towards your leg and starts to rub his head against your jeans. He claws your pants legs slowly and you gently pet him. "I have no more Doritos." 

"Interview over, bye."

Troubles looks at you and says, "Yeah he likes you." He sees Cassy and frowns as 'Brown Sugar' gives him a dirty look. 

"I'm guarding her street cat!" The Brown Sugar look-alike shouts.

Troubles goes back to sleep.

Pickles yells "Got you bro!"

Little Doctor, Jakey, Bracha, Segula

A brief interlude in memoriam for the cats whose lives were cut short all too early.

Little Doctor my sweet boy. I knew you but for 2 days. Years in mind you are not lost nor last in thought. I love you still.

Jake oh Jakey, my grey wonder.  Your speed and wonder at the world gave me such joy. Your release pained my heart but our time together was a treasure I will not forget. I am sorry my sweet boy.

Bracha. You came into my life on my first day at my new home. You came in and went out as you wished. Where you came from and where you went no one knows. There one day and gone one day you are a free soul. Free at last to explore all realms at will. You were a happy cat and my love for you is still great. I love  you my sweet cat. You are remembered and forever loved. 

Purry, such a sweet girl. I knew you from afar. A lonely girl, you found a home, but sadly alone you were left again. Poor Purry, but in my heart you always dwell.

"Jakey" I call out. 

He looks at me and comes. He has apparently left the Old City and grown up alongside the bar and coffeeshop district. He says one sentence. "I hate walls" Life just gets better and better I think. 

The final interview with Segula. Aka: The Brown, Rusty, and by her secret name which I am not at liberty to discuss.  Using sign language. (Segula was deaf and could communicate only via hand motions and lip reading). So Sweetie why is it no one amongst the canine or feline persuasion bothers you?

Segula: They think I am not scared of their growls or hisses. 

See I am very old. And I learnt that ignoring aggression is so rare people and animals are baffled. Granted I can't actually hear them but it scares most animals away. Especially dogs and silly male cats like Big Boy. (Big Boy is "too cool" for an interview) So I get by. The car accident that made me deaf taught me that. The moral young man is watch yourself.  When it comes to feelings you control those completely. Now its time for a nap. Quietly Segula set herself down comfortably in her box, resting on her favorite blanket. She lay down and closed her eyes after imparting her wisdom to her caregiver. She took one last breath and was at at peace. I am sorry my sweet girl. I shall miss you most of all. As these beutiful cats departed, only to be born again in the perpetual cycle of life and death aninals go through I took in the lessons of compasion, kindness, openmindedness, and patience that I learnt from then on my way to becoming  better person. I thus leart that The Creator seeks us to become better humans and rise above animals.

Hello Handsome Tom, How are you?

Very well.

Just out of curiosity how did you get your name?

I'm a male cat (called a Tom) and I'm very handsome.

I see you are missing an eye can you elaborate on that?

I fight a lot. I prefer to say I emphasize my right eye. 

Your ear is bit.

Yes it is, it was Big Boy...

Who won the fight?

Big Boy doesn't bother me any more does he?

Uh no...

Do you have hot dogs sir? Perhaps in that big white box that opens.... Walks to refrigerator and starts rubbing neck against door

Yeah I guess I do here is one.

Eats the hot dog. I notice some teeth are missing Handsome Tom.

Yeah I fell. 

How? 

I do not remember, but I get hot dogs all the time now so its ok.

Good night Handsome Tom.

Good night Paul. 

Handsome Tom lies down in  comfortle spot his youngest son, Handsome Tom II at his side and seems to smile as Handsome Tom II continues the interview.

My pops did it l all.  He fought, he jumped down from the roof and he survived the tail splitting wars between hin and  Big Boy. My Dad is the coolest cat he even eats only hot dogs now! 

Hello sweetie what's your name.

Da...Grey. Pet me. (Jumps on my lap).

Uh ok. I begin to pet Grey.

So what is it like to be a cat in the Old City of Jerusalem. 

I stop petting Grey for a second.  HSSS. PET ME NOW! *Light scratch*

I continue to pet Grey. She begins to claw at my legs really hard. It hurts a  lot. Uh this hurts Grey.

Too bad. Pet me on my back. That's the way now. Good boy. Uh can I have a bite of your tuna sandwich? *Proceeds to eat it all* Thanks. Ok I'm going to sleep now. Sleeps on my lap. As I start to rise Gray hisses and clings to my legs until I sit again. I wait for an hour. She wakes up. Gray begins the leg scratching again. Pet me human. Its going to be a long day.

12 hours later The Gray leves and I begin to call out for Babushka. Babushk where are you? A baby faced fluffy cat stares down from above .I sit down on a nearby lawn chair and Da...Grey jumps on my lap, clawing my pants to shreds to show her ownership of this space. She don't know you human. You might eat her. 

I feed her tuna all the time Da...Grey. I feed you tuna too. I just need to do an interview with her. 

Do an interview with me human!

I did Da...Gray don't you remember the last chapter?

Did you give me tuna?

Yep.

Give me more.

Ok.

Babushka jumps down from the wall and gets the tuna Da...Gray looks insulted at me as if it were my fault. She jumps on the outdoor table and starts eating my yogurt. Babushka yells " Tag team sis!" Da...Gray quickly finishes the yogurt and demands a good backrub merely with a look.

That's right human you know the way to pet Da...Grey. I smile, this is gonna be a great book. Da...Grey looks sternly at me and makes a disproving face at me. "Less smiling more petting". Its gonna be a long day. Another 12 hours later I get up after Da...Grey goes on her way.

Meeeeeeeeeow....

Hey Big Boy what up!

I want an interview.

I thought you were too cool for interviews and all that.

I need to get a message out there for everyone to know, especially the male cats and the penguins. 

Uh what is that Big Boy?

This is my city. Get out. My piss makes it mine, the females are mine, the land is mine, the houses are mine, the streets are mine, the plants are mine, the very air here is mine. 

The male cats and the penguins? Your city Big Boy?

Yeah Paul, I'm the Rosh Yeshiva and I'm Grumpy. Well not the other cats, I like fighting with them and kicking tail.

Why Big Boy?

I miss you Cat Man and I am putting the penguins on notice. *looks sad* I'll watch over Nestea and Pepper while you're gone. See you later. *Pisses on a penguin nest*

See you Big Boy...I give him a thumbs up. Don't worry...I'll be back. As I leave and walk away. Big boy looks at me and thinks to himself (while pissing one more time),  "He won't come back here. He isn't a penguin and his heart is not cold. He will move on and help a young cat in need. Maybe piss on some streets himself and claim his own territory. (Stops to piss yet again next to another penguin nest.) Its better he doesn't come back. Well at least until the penguins are gone. That shouldn't take too long. Lions eat chickens and penguins. Im tired its time to sleep."  The penguins and chickens would soon be no more, for as Big Boy went to sleep Nestea gained the strength of The Old Tom and the penguins would soon drop like flies. As her sister Big Girl looked on she gained the courage of The Old Tom and the chickens would soon be chased to an oily grave  across the street. Then as Big Boy The Rosh Yeshivah went to sleep for seemingly one last time his daughters Nestea and Big Girl took on the mantle of  the Old Tom. No more pissing would be had, but lots more fighting to be done. As the Cat Man walked away knowing what would would come he smiled at the memory of Grumpy, for Grumpy The Tom may be no more, but he lives on in his daughters who now make the penguins and chickens piss themselves instead.

For several years the Old Tom seemingly disapeared, no one knew his whereabouts and all feared the worst. Then on one special Shabbat he apeared once more..

The toughest cat there ever was. A sidenote to my readers. Grumpy is so tough when he gets into fights he pushes other cats off buildings, fighting them in the air and occasionally breaking his leg. He then walks it off for a few days after and do it again. Even the pibulls did not bother him. Dogs whimper around him. He is at least 18 years and fathered thousands of cats all bearing his colors in The Old City of Jerusalem. His colors are Grey and White.  Almost every living cat with these colors in the old city is a descendant of his. Grumpy has apparently even defeated death. He has been sighted in The Old City many times  once more. Long live The Rosh Yeshiva. He lives today at the ripe old age of over 18 years old. All Thanks to God.

As I am interviewing The Rosh Yeshiva once again a very fluffy cat enters the room. She looks like exactly like him. Hello daddy she says as she begins to set herself down for a nap.

Hello Nestea I say. How are you?

-Ok I guess....

What's wrong? Do you miss me?

-No Daddy, the dumpster is closed and I smell chicken. *Nestea looks like she is about to cry*

Can I give you some tuna? *Nestea runs to the steps and looks at me with total love and devotion* I give her the tuna. She eats the tuna without looking up. 

As she finishes she says...about that chicken can you open the dumpster daddy....

I love you Nesta. I pet her and she sits on my lap.

MEOW! MEOW! MEOOOOOW! A small gray cat walks in slowly at my door seeking Tuna. 

I just fed you Pepper.

MEOW! MEOW! MEOOOOOW!

Ok ok I'll feed you again.

MEOW! MEOW! MEOOOOOW!

I pet her and she scratches me.

MEOW! MEOW! MEOOOOOW!

She asks me to pet her again.

MEOW! MEOW! MEOOOOOW!

I pet her again and I give her tuna again.

MEOW! MEOW! MEOOOOOW!

I love you too Pepper.

A tiny little cat walks in the room looking for cats to fight. Nestea looks at her and nods. Well back to work Daddy, we have birds to chase and cats to fights. 

Big Girl interupts with authority. We have work to do sir. So many enemies breathing our air and looking at our streets we need to make sure the dogs know they cant poop here, the other cats need to go elsewhere and the birds need to know they are to provide nourishment and be quiet. 

She looks at me and Nistara gets down from my lap. I offer Big Girl Tuna and she looks at me with disaproval. Sir I'm surprised at you. A lady only eats what she has caught herself. Weakness is not an option. Big Boy looks at her and rolls her eyes. 

As I am walking home I hear a dog barking. It walks towards me. Suddenly out of nowhere comes forth a blur of Grey and White.  I see a fluffy cat.  It looks exactly like Nesty, but its a boy. Its Don Morris! Don Morris jumps at the Dog, the dog is a white Husky, quite large. Suddenly I see fur flying its white. I fear the worst. My poor Don Morris. Suddenly the air clears.  Don Morris has scared off another Dog.  It was not HIS fur I saw. The neighbors tell me that Don Morris attacks all Dogs that come near his home. Including pitbulls.  He always wins. Clearly Don Morris defends his turf from all opposition. Don Morris, caTpo of the neighbothood. True Story.

It was at this moment I decided Don Moris would become an indoor cat only. 

"Ah the fresh air. The sunshine. The dogs to fight. Time to let me out human!" Moris looks at me expectantly.

"About that Moris......we need to talk." I look around nervously.

"Make it snappy, snoopy the chihuaha is walking by, I need to fight him!"

I decided Moris that you are an indoor cat now. No more fights.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!!!!" Moris starts scratching at the door.

"Moris its not so bad," I take out some chicken shnitzel and a couple of pieces of steak. I continue, "if you live at home this is what you will eat from now on. (I lie).

Moris states "who needs to live outside like a bum, I wanna be fat!" In a year he grows longer and bigger, turns out he is an underfed Maine Coon all of 6 years old. Lucky me.....he smiles and says, "about the chicken I prefer dry catfood" He walks shaking his overweight behind towards the Friskies brand caatfood. He says, "a fat cat is a happy cat and that is a factual cat fact." 

"You need a diet".

Excuse me Moris.....

"You heard me, you are fat". *looks at Moris* "Human get me cat snacks"

Moris I have to put you on a diet. *Moris in shock* "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!!!!" 

So from now on you will get half a cup of catfood a day and ocassional treats.

"Buuuuuut I look good fat!"

Its unhealthy Moris, you need to loose 2 pounds. "Nonsense its just my winter coat".

*Looks at Moris*

"What are you looming over human?!"

Here is a cat candy beef stick Moris.

"That is better, know what I do need a diet...from dry catfood". Moris looks at my fridge..... "That reminds me did you know cats simply love chicken." 

I walk on the way to my breakfast at a lovely cafe. I meet a cat family every day  on the eay. Saba the fat Tom greets me hello. Safta the the elderly cat with one good leg says hi. Her grandaughter Racoon demands to be petted, her brother Greg just demands snacks. What a beautiful day.

As I head for the fried  chicken place I think about Smoky who had three legs and was an amazing and speedy runner. I think about Garfield the Fat Orange Cat who loved Moris. I smile thinking about Gingi the First, Gingi the Second and Bamba Gingi all sleeping together. They were great cats and they all loved chicken.

I move on and Ahava the brilliant copper cat is eating a snack alongside the Muffin Store. Cash the cat rubs up against my leg before I cross the street. 

As I cross the street I notice Jakey. I look in disbelief at this long lost cat. His features are the same and his body is sleek. I look at him. He looks at me. He knows I know its him. Another cat back from the dead. Just like Big Boy. Tears come from my eyes and I call out, "Jakey?". Yes it is him. Jakey lives. 

After I get my fried chicken I come to a park. I meet 40 cats living peacefully.  17 were kittens. 1 was an ancient cat of 13 years old. They lived in a square behind 4 restaurants. They are fed every day. What was the first thing they all said at once upon seeing me? "Do you have fried chicken? kind sir?"
I said, "Why yes I have a bucket of fried chicken with me."
The 17 kittens sorrounded me. The old cat gave me a hungry look. The 22 adult cats begun to approach me in a disturbingly slow and methodical way...... I immediately saw the problem. There were only 40 pieces of chicken and no cat was gonna go without..... They all wanted me to "share the wealth." I put the colonel's pride and joy slowly down. The old cat told the largest Tom to "knock it over and count the loot". After they feasted on my chicken the cats were very friendly. The kittens started purring and made a ball of cuteness that included all 17 kittens huddled around the old cat. The other cats each went their own way back into hiding. It was then that I saw the sign. Beware of the cats. The old cat as she lay down to sleep said, "young man thank you."  And as she went to sleep peacefully, for what would be the very last time in her long prosperous and happy life I realized, sometimes a thank you at a certain time, from a certain individual is worth more than all the fried chicken in the world. I made that cat happy. She passed away at the end of her life a happy kitty that felt loved. May all your meals be purrfect.